INSIDE OUT - AGING AND VISIBILITY

Beginning sometime between the age of forty to fifty, we question our new appearance; bags beneath our eyes, a turkey neck, that crease of fine wrinkles portending cavernous pouches in the future. Some regard their aging features with loathing, others with fear, sensing the steady encroachment of a deteriorating face as a first death, a remorseless decline into decrepitude that proceeds one’s final extinction. Only a few of us consider growing old as a badge of honor. We’ve all heard their jokes: “Yes, I’m old. And you know what? I intend to grow a whole lot older!” or “Stop whining, growing old isn’t for the faint of heart.”

We become strangers to ourselves. A contradiction arises, between thinking of oneself in the past, recalling a youthful appearance contrasted to the shock in the mirror each morning.  A friend tells us: “Stop fretting! You’re in the autumn of life.” Nonsense. Autumn turns to Winter, then to the rebirth and glory of Spring, But you're old. They’ll be no more Springs. It’s not a change of seasons, it’s the end.

We begin to focus on how we feel, because we’re falling apart, regardless of work-outs, facials, and trendy clothes. When young and strong there was no reason to evaluate well-being, but now, as we age, we make a point of assuring others: “I feel great!”  We concentrate on the interior of our aging bodies, ignoring the outer shell, which soon turns invisible. Incessantly probing our interior, we measure the operation of the various internal mechanisms (heart, lungs, bowels) every six months via CT scans, urine tests, MRA’s, MRI’s, Sonograms, Comprehensive Metabolic Panels, Hemoglobin A1C blood tests, PSA Screens, and Lipid Panels with DLDL Reflex. Our very guts, previously hidden, are suddenly not only visible, they’re all important, the data by which we pin our hopes on extended longevity. We celebrated our youth photographing the outer body, playing in the school yard, attending graduation ceremonies, participating in weddings, and welcoming births.  We end our lives gloating over negative tests results. The way we used to visualize ourselves, to portray our self to others, is no longer relevant - indeed, we wish our new body was invisible. What concerns us now, what’s visible, is what’s inside.